When a Mother’s Intuition Knows: Grieving My Son Nick and Finding a Path Forward After Suicide

Something was wrong. I had survived both sons serving their country, one in the Marines and one in the Navy. The Marine spent time traveling to hot spots in the Middle East while Nick, the youngest, served on a submarine out of Pearl Harbor. Both were serving when 911 happened. Did I worry? Yes, a little, but I knew they both had trained hard for their jobs and were proud to be serving their country. But this day felt different. Both sons had been discharged and were safe on U.S. soil; both healthy and employed. What was causing me to feel uneasy?

That night, I got a call from the chief of police. He was looking for me. My husband and I had moved a lot within the same town. I used to joke and say we were like a moving target. That’s why I chuckled when Chief O’Leary said he couldn’t find us. After giving the Chief our new address, he said he needed to come by and see me. When I hung up the phone, I immediately found Buddy to tell him that the chief was coming to see me. ‘What does he want?” I responded with, “I think something’s happened to Nick.”  I asked him to hurry and finish his shower. A few minutes later, when the chief arrived, he and a detective entered the house. He hesitated for a moment and then said, “It’s Nick. We found his car at the scene.” What scene? This did not make sense. I was trying to keep calm and pay attention to what he was saying. I wanted to ask where, but I just kept silent. If this was what I thought it was, I wanted to stay quiet and listen. This was probably the last thing the chief wanted to be doing that Monday night. Finally, he said, “It appears it was suicide.”

There it was – the news I never wanted to hear. Buddy, who had been standing beside me, fell into the office chair in shock with a gut-wrenching sob. I continued to stand, quiet, waiting to hear more. The chief stood there with us, giving us time to absorb the news he had just delivered. Then he added, “he was hit by an Acela train.” He went on to explain that Nick’s car was parked in a small lot beside the railroad tracks in Foxboro near the Sharon line. The car was locked. Nick’s phone was in the car, along with a half-drunk Dunkin' Donuts iced coffee. They unlocked the car to retrieve Nick’s cell phone. Somehow, they were able to access Nick’s Facebook page. The sleeve tattoo on Nick’s arm and his cell phone provided sufficient evidence for them to contact me.

Some people are not ready to talk about their loss, and that's fine. It is important we respect each other's space. It is also important that we watch out for each other, encouraging and supporting their very personal grief process. There is no grieving schedule or timetable to follow. It is especially vital for couples who have lost a child (doesn't matter how) to talk to each other about it, and to respect each other’s space and grieving process. My husband and I are still talking about Nick. We still tear up when movies, songs, and many other things remind us of him, but we are always there for each other. 

Immediately following a loss, family, friends, and neighbors will come to your side, but they will inevitably return to their daily lives. That’s when our lives will seem so empty. Where did everyone go? It is sad to say that in most cases, it is up to you to move ahead. This may sound harsh, but it is true. Good friends will encourage outings, and other good friends won’t know what to do for you. Please keep this in mind if you have a friend in need. They may need a little nudge once in a while. Be supportive, be gentle, be kind.

Going back to work for a lot of people seems impossible, especially after a suicide. Going back to church, the gym, or any other activities may take some time. My first time out for a group activity was to a women's networking group that I belonged to. It was the last meeting of the year for them - four weeks after Nick died. I got some hugs as I walked in from those who were aware of what happened. During the 60-second introduction portion of the meeting, I stepped out of my comfort zone and took the opportunity to thank everyone who had reached out to me when Nick died. I was overwhelmed with the applause and with the number of people who came up to me later to give me more hugs and words of support. I must admit, I did not doubt I would have full support from that group. They were like family to me. And, yes, there were a few there who did not know me or my story, but even they approached me after the meeting. I had taken a huge, healthy step that day. 

The first few nights after Nick’s suicide, I would wake up around 3:00 a.m. Wide awake, I would venture into my office, sit at my computer, and type, type, type. I was afraid I would forget Nick, so I wanted to record all my thoughts and memories. What I found was that there were so many memories I could not stay awake long enough to record them. This went on for weeks. I was also dealing with a bit of PTSD, which I did get help with. And then there were the posts on Nick’s Facebook page. I was copying and pasting them into a document that I would have control over. I engaged with a few of his friends on Facebook, some of whom I am still corresponding with today. One of his coworkers is now like a brother to me. We still see each other often, 13 years later.

A college classmate of Nick’s reached out to me a few years ago. It was ten years after Nick’s suicide. Her text began with: “This is a random text..” She went on to explain how she knew Nick. Her brother had recently died of suicide, so she reached out to me for help. Her mother was not coping well at all. I thought it was interesting that she felt comfortable contacting me. She later explained that Nick had told her a lot about me and that I always made myself available to people in need. Feeling Nick had sent her to me, I put some information together, hoping it would help her mother. I thought I would share it as part of this writing. 

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Activity Suggestions - A Path Forward After Suicide

 Writing:

I started writing/journaling the night Nick died. I was unable to sleep, so I got up out of bed, made a cup of chamomile tea, and then went into my office to watch a little TV. As the tea was steeping, I started thinking about Nick. A slight panic came over me when I wondered if I would forget him as time went on. I wanted to be sure I remembered everything I could about him: his antics, his work, the stories he shared with us, his humor, his everything. So, I opened a document on my computer and started writing. I've been writing ever since. I had a lot to write about, and I now realize that I will never forget him.

Memory Box:

This is something Nick did for one of his funeral services classes. (He used to share his projects with me.) I loved his imagination and his caring creativity. The memory box he showed me was a carved wooden box that he purchased at Pier 1. Inside the box, he placed items he had that were from and about my dad, who had passed away when Nick was 17. I must say I was surprised when I saw who he chose to make his memory box for. He loved my dad - his Papa.  

Books on Grief: 

Shining a Light on Grief by Susan Lataille (I wrote the second chapter in this book)

Let Go & Let Love by Gabrielle Doucet 

41 Signs of Hope by Dave Kane

Write to Heal by Tom Bird

Every Step of the Way by Anne Dionne, Deborah LeBouf Kulkkula, Yvonne Lancaster, and Jane Maki  

Crying in Public:

Out of the blue, I would start crying. In the grocery store, in a restaurant, walking down the street, driving in my car (had to pull over - watery eyes blur your vision). Many times, when I was in a store, I would tear up. I never bawled my eyes out while in public, so I guess I was lucky. Crying is so therapeutic, though, so cleansing. Be aware that if you stifle your emotions, they will come out in some other way over time. So let those tears flow. If your friends or family feel uncomfortable, that's too bad. If I'm with someone who starts to cry, I take their hand or hug them. I don't have to say anything, just be there for them. 

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So with all that said, I wrote a book! Here’s a description as written on the back cover.

“After learning of her son Nick’s death by suicide, Wendy’s immediate thought was that he had left her a job to do. She began by recording detailed notes of her personal grief journey. Those who met Nick, sometimes only once, said they would never forget him. Wendy soon learned that there was more to her son than she realized. With her husband’s heartfelt support, Wendy chose to honor her son by carrying forward his compassionate impact on others. By “taking the path less traveled,” reaching out to those who had similar experiences to hers, and recording signs and messages she received, a book was born.”

The book is available on Amazon.

Hey, It's Me: Juergens, Wendy Hare: 9781968548230: Amazon.com: Books