I Blow Kisses to the Universe
A Course In Miracles tells us “I have no neutral thoughts.” I didn’t understand that at first but I’ve come to appreciate how true it is. Many of my own thoughts about myself are absolutely harsh. For 7 years I’ve been carrying around this beautiful vision of women supporting women through mutually beneficial teams and partnerships. Wing Women Nation lit me up like fireworks on the 4th of July. Filled me with inspiration, motivation, excitement, and determination like nothing else aside from becoming a mom. At the same time, it also filled me with a sense of shame and guilt that was both in and around me like a heavy, wet, dark cloud harping on me for not living up to it. Interestingly, motherhood brought up some of that for me too.
That cloud intermittently stalking me evolved into a chronic and crippling cycle of performance anxiety, procrastination, perfectionism, and guilt that was soul-crushing. It felt like the cartoon frantically spinning legs that weren’t going anywhere and simultaneously like the dreams where you can’t scream, run, or fly. (I’m forever trying to fly in my dreams!). It got to a point where nearly every action I wanted to take triggered loud, persistent doubts, second guesses, and criticisms that had me chasing my tail, overcomplicating everything, and winding myself up into overwhelm.
My two babies, my son, and my vision were getting the best and the worst of me. Oh boy, did I punish myself for the worst! But we don’t appreciate the light without the dark. In the light I came to see that heavy cloud was the result of the ego, fear-based thoughts I had playing on a loop, often less than half-articulated, running like an undercurrent I was barely aware of. I was constantly on the alert for threats to my safety and my enough-ness. Quietly gaslighting me into believing I was neither safe nor enough.
2023 has been about me letting go of my old stories, expectations, and judgments. By paying close attention to the way I was feeling - at the moment, as many times a day as possible - it became easier to recognize those unsupportive thoughts taking over. I could see I was operating out of fear, under the influence of thoughts that were not taking me where I wanted to go.
Tony Robbins advises, “Trade your expectations for appreciation, lead with gratitude instead of worry, fear, or anger.” Expectations create pressure, limit possibilities, and stifle creation. The bigger and more specific the expectation, the more they get in the way. Sing it with me, “Hey, hey, ho, ho, those nasty judgments gotta go! Hey, hey, ho, ho, those nasty judgments gotta go!
When my son was almost 3 years old we welcomed our Elf on the Shelf. After we read the book to him, Joe announced his elf’s name, Judgey. That’s interesting! Now I notice how often I’m judging myself. Even when I judge it to be good, positive, or exactly what I wanted, it’s still judgment and the process itself is damaging. It makes us shaky. Instead, I’m practicing impartial self-observation, allowing myself to experience my experience without judgment. It’s a work in progress and I’m doing my best not to judge when I catch myself judging, which happens multiple times daily and that’s totally ok.
Even more fun than what I’m releasing is what I’ve been embracing that makes me feel like the new true me:
Forgiveness. I used to understand forgiveness to mean giving grace to myself or others for saying or doing something that caused harm. Absolving the guilt. Accepting the apology. Through A Course In Miracles, I’ve come to understand forgiveness as a recognition that there is no offense, nothing to forgive, no sin. It’s an acknowledgment that our thoughts are projected onto the people and conditions in front of us and reflected back to us to show us what our thoughts are creating. Everything we experience is the result of our unconscious thought systems. It’s the thoughts we are giving forth, letting go of, releasing. It continues to be a journey to accept this definition, but the effect it’s having on my life is undeniable.
Love. I have come to understand love as a live energy that flows to us and from us at the moment or not. It’s not a role (parent, sibling, spouse, etc.) or even a feeling (maternal, romantic, affectionate, etc.) it’s a life force that’s all-powerful and all-healing. It’s a mic drop. If we’re not operating from love at any given moment, we are operating from fear. So when I’m not feeling the love within me, it’s time to focus on giving it, genuinely, from my heart to myself, those around me, the Universe, God, Life and to call it in from God, the Universe, and life and allow it. In the moment. Everything in this world is either love or a cry for love. When I remember that, it’s easier to respond with love.
Acceptance. I fought it. I thought it meant making peace with what I didn’t want. Settling. Thank God, that’s not what it means! It’s the deep breath we take when we’re assessing current conditions and acknowledging where we’re at in relation to what we want. Where we take it all in and remember that all is well, truly. We are safe; we are enough. The solution is always on the flip side of the problem. We just have to hold that belief steady enough for it to present itself. The funny thing about acceptance is when we don’t practice it with the unwanted stuff, we also have difficulty practicing it with the stuff we DO want. 2023 taught me that those deep breaths are the simplest way to give myself the love I’m calling for.
As we close out 2023 I blow kisses to the Universe and say “Thank you for the love, the light, and the life!” My son is flourishing! Expanding every day in the most beautiful ways! The more I see the best in him the more he expresses it into the world. My vision has its feet on the ground and it’s gathering a steady momentum that fills my heart! It’s been a long lesson to learn but I’m really beginning to understand just how powerful we are.
Hello 2024, Here I am and I’m ready for you!!!
Casey Kerr, Founder of Wing Women Nation
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