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When Homework Becomes a Battle: How to Protect Your Relationship With Your Teen
And she's not even the student! She's the mom.....She works all day. Comes home. Sits in the driveway. And prays her 13-year-old doesn't have homework.
Not because her kid is bad. Not because she's a bad mom. But because homework time has turned into a nightly war zone, and by the time it's over, the whole evening is ruined and they're both wrecked.
No, she's not being selfish in feeling that dread. She's not being ridiculous. And she's definitely not alone.
As someone who has spent a lot of years working with kids, I have some thoughts...
First, the question nobody asks:
If YOU dread it, how is YOUR DAUGHTER feeling?
I'd bet she hates the arguing just as much as you do. And underneath that? She probably feels like she's stupid, like she's a disappointment, like she can't get it right no matter how hard she tries. Then you add in just being 13...the hormones, the identity questions, the desperate need to not look dumb in front of the person whose opinion matters most...and you've got yourself a holy hot mess situation that has very little to do with the actual homework.
A FEW THINGS WORTH TRYING:
Ask if something deeper is going on. If this has been a struggle for a while and nothing has changed, it might be worth exploring whether there's an undiagnosed learning difficulty in the mix. Not to put a label on her, but because knowing changes everything about how you approach it. In the meantime, loop in the teacher or look into a private tutor. Taking yourself out of the teaching role might be the single best thing you can do for your relationship.
Bring her into the solution. Instead of trying to manage her through homework, try stepping back and asking: "Hey, what do you need from me?" Or: "Homework time is obviously really hard for both of us, and I hate that it ruins our nights. Can we figure out something different together?" At 13, being treated like someone whose input matters (rather than someone who needs to be handled) pays HUGE dividends in the homework AND in the relationship.
Give the hour a hard stop. Pick a time. Homework ends then, done or not. A note to the teacher ("she worked for an hour, here's where we landed") is not failure. It's you protecting your evening AND your relationship. You may want to loop the teacher in ahead of time so it doesn't come as a surprise, but this boundary is worth considering.
Here's the bottom line:
The homework is hard. But the situation - two people who love each other, both frustrated, both feeling like they're failing - that's the harder thing. If she feels like you're on HER side on this, even when it's messy, that puts serious money in the trust bank. And that trust is what makes her come to you when the stakes are a whole lot higher than algebra.
You've got this. And more importantly, you've got her.
GOOD LUCK. 💛
Warmly,
— Clarissa
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